Why My Dog Is Trying To Kill Me

Why My Dog Is Trying To Kill Me

First of all, lets get one thing straight: since I have moved out my home, my room has been turned into a giant dog house. Great. It currently serves as Molly’s perch to sleep all day and bark at any living thing that passes the window (I didn’t say she was a smart dog). So of course when I come home she gets a bit miffed that some stranger is in her bed. So now that I have moved home for Christmas break it has become clear my dog is trying to kill me, here’s why:
Unlike most dogs, Molly is the most obnoxious sleeper… she reminds me of this baby, who hates sleep and wants to see it die.
I have been for 6 days now, and every night she does the same thing, lays her 50lb body on or RIGHT NEXT to me so that I am crammed to the edge of the bed and restrained from further movements. From here I usually go to my sister’s room and use her bed, not even an hour goes by before Molly realizes I have left and moves to my new sleeping spot to do the same thing over again. This has become the routine every night since I have been home. Of course, you may think that this is just because she loves me and wants to cuddle. I might believe if I didn’t wake up in the night from the heavy weight champion that weighs the equivalent of a bag of bricks putting her entire mass on my vital organs, but I can’t turn a blind eye to the truth here. She is clearly trying to kill me. She even anticipates the nights activities by messing up the freshly made bed and awaiting my return to wag her tail proudly at the mess she made.
Next, death comes to all things I have ever touched. This includes a Santa hat which is now fluff-less, a piece of paper towel I threw out after wiping her feet and a gift-card holding teddy bear, which is now eye- and limb-less. So she is clearly an animal (har har). Don’t worry dawg, I am picking up the message you are laying down: that you clearly want to destroy all that is good in the world.
Lastly, and probably the strongest evidence, is the side-eye she gives me, it is belittling, scary and hurtful. This side-eye is so on point that it makes me feel like Ariana Grande cowering to a pair of artificial wings. (see picture) It is a look that screams “I hate you” or maybe just “give me treats” , who knows with this crazy beast.
I swear she’s obsessed with me.
On the next edition of “My Crazy Dog”: Is she trained too well?


One thought on “Why My Dog Is Trying To Kill Me

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s